Tag Archives: love

All in Love is Fair

26 March 2012

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Nobody said that life would be fair. And anyone who still believe that it is, would be rudely disappointed.

“Life is so unfair.” That’s what I heard my wife said, a few days ago. Here’s the story behind it.

I was on-call that day. It was an extra-ordinarily busy call for me. In fact, I have not had such a “toxic” call for a while. And it was not even a full moon. Maybe the dark stars aligned in their orbits or there were a couple of full moons in some other planets. Whatever the reason was, it was busy.

During one stretch of my call, I had 4 ICU admissions in a matter of 2 hours. Having very sick patients coming at the same time was bad enough, but them presenting simultaneously on 2 different hospitals I cover that were few miles apart was almost impossible to deal with. Good thing I had reliable medical residents that helped me took care of our critically ill patients. And to cap the night, two more ICU admissions came later that night.

I came home past 1 o’clock in the morning. (I usually come home 5 or 6 PM, even if I am on-call.) I was glad to see that the porch and driveway lights were on, when I pulled up in our garage. It was a nice feeling to come home, and know that you were expected.

My wife was already in bed but I was delightfully surprised that she was still awake, waiting for me all along. She even told me that my son also stayed up almost up to midnight, waiting for me. It was really a wonderful feeling to come home, even though I know that I was still on-call, and my beeper can go off anytime, and there was a possibility that I could still be called back to the hospital.

My fatigue melted away and not too long after, I was snoring in bed. Perhaps my beeper went off one or two more times after I slept, but I was able to deal with those calls without the need to return to the hospital.

Later on that morning, when the sun was already up, as I was preparing to go back to work, after a short night of sleep, that was when my wife blurted out, tongue-in-cheek: “Life is so unfair.”

Apparently after I came home, and was soon fast asleep, she stayed awake, unable to fall asleep. Can you imagine her sad plight? She waited that long for me, and when I came, I fell asleep so readily while she was kept awake by my snoring. Sure, that I agree was “unfair.” But I really appreciated that she stayed up for me, for I know she did it out of love. And I know that her ‘life is unfair’ statement, is an expression of endearment.

Life is so unfair

Last weekend, I woke up early and went out for my morning run. It was nice to get out and run as the sun was just peeking above the horizon. The spring air was fresh and crisp, the birds were singing, and the neighborhood was still snoring. After half an hour, I returned home to find out that I locked myself out. I did not carry a key, and I did not leave the front door of our house unlocked.

I knew that my wife and kids were still sleeping, so I did not knock or ring the doorbell. I dare not be told again that “life is so unfair.” Besides, it was a beautiful morning, not so cold outside (read: a little above freezing) and the sun was shining, so I just sat there in the front bench of our house and enjoyed my quiet moment. Or should I say “enjoy” the moment of my stupidity of locking myself out!

After a while, my wife and kids woke up eventually. As my wife opened the front door to let the sunshine in and to see where I’ve been, she was surprised how happy and smiling I was, to enter back our house. She initially thought that I just had a good run or perhaps I had a funny incident while I was out. Only later that she learned that I locked myself out and that I was sitting in our bench for almost half an hour.

I don’t think my wife would really mind if I wake her up a little early if I rang the doorbell, but I’m sure she appreciated that I did not. Yes, life can be unfair, but like in Stevie Wonder’s song……”all in love is fair.”

(*image from here)

Of Flowers and Photographs

28 December 2011

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These lovely flowers will wither in a few days. The beautiful sunny day will soon turn into night. Even the hanging evergreen wreaths in our windows will not last forever, even if they are called “evergreen,” but will one day lose all its needles. And this picture-perfect photograph, will fade into memory.

Someday, just like the flowers, our strength will also wane. Our eyesight, like a sunny day, will grow dim. Our hair will turn gray, that is if we don’t lose it all first, like the needles of the wreath. And just like a faded photograph, our memory will one day, lose its sharpness.

But unlike flowers, our love will last. And like what old photographs do, we will leave an enduring legacy.

Here’s to us – happy 17th anniversary my love.

In Search of Paradise

14 November 2011

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(Someone close to me requested me to translate in English the article “Hinahanap na Paraiso, ” that I recently posted. Nothing against Google Translate, but it just did not gave it justice.)

As I peek outside our window, my morning was greeted with freshly fallen snow that blanketed our surrounding all-white. Because of the numbing cold, I pulled up the thick blanket over myself and dreamed of a much warmer paradise…..

our first snowfall this year

A paradise where the sun kisses the prancing ocean waves. Where the eternal summer breeze caresses the dancing palm trees. Where the proud mountains are always lush and green, and where mighty trees boast their broad and dense canopies. Where visitors are welcomed by hanging leis around their neck, while beautiful smiling women with flowers in their ears greet “Aloha”.

Not so long ago, my family were blessed to visit the island of Oahu, Hawaii. Here, we jaunted through the island and witnessed the enchanting places and scenery. Here we waded and played in its warm seawater. Here, we laid and unwind in its alluring beach. Truly this place is like a paradise, so it’s not a wonder it is one of the happiest places* on earth.

photo taken at Kualoa Ranch in Oahu, Hawaii

However this place is not totally free of its own problems and difficulties. The traffic jam can be terrible at times. There are beggars and homeless people who wanders around and sleep in the parks. And the local residents whine that the price of commodities are so high and the cost of living here is so expensive, that they say this place is only for tourists. Even on this “happy” place, there is no shortage of people who are forlorn in love.

If we would be familiar with its history, this paradise is the place of such vicious tragedy, a site of awful bloodshed, when the Pearl Harbor was attacked during World War II. Thousands of lives were lost, and some are still entombed in their watery grave up to this day.

My point only is that even in a paradise-like place, it has still its own troubles. In fact, even in a perfect paradise, the Garden of Eden, it still became a place of temptation, disobedience, and fall from grace. This has caused all of the misery of mankind.

Is there really a place of paradise? To me, a paradise is not a location. It is not a place that can be seen in a map. For me, it is a state or condition in life. A state in life where you are happy and contented. A state in life where your dreams are realized. A state in life where you are free to love and is freely loved. In paradise – love reigns.

I looked around where I am now. My wife and my kids were still fast asleep. They transcend happiness and peace in their faces. It is true that even in such a frigid place like this, a place buried in snow, can be a paradise.

my frozen paradise

(*According to the recent Gallup poll, Hawaii is the happiest state among the 50 states of USA. Iowa though, made it to the top 10 too.)

Making Things Right

14 July 2011

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“I just want to make things right.”

That was what my patient told me not too long ago. Wanting to make things right. Don’t we all? Here is his story.

He was in his 50′s, and he presented to the hospital with leg swelling and worsening shortness of breath. After initial work-up in the Emergency Room, he was diagnosed with blood clots in the legs and lungs (veno-thromboembolism). Serious condition.

His chest CT scan also showed a lung mass. After further work-up, which includes a biopsy, it was found to be cancer. Cancer in itself is a risk for developing blood clots. Bad prognosis.

After further more work-up, it was determined that the lung cancer was far advanced. It has spread to the bones, liver, and lymph nodes. Grim outlook.

During his hospital stay, his condition deteriorated and was transferred to the ICU.

I approached him as he laid in his ICU bed. Knowing the severity of his condition, I asked him about his “code status.” That is, what he wants us to do if in case he cannot breathe on his own, does he wants us to place a tube down his throat and have a machine breathe for him? Or if his heart stops, does he want us to shock his heart or pound on his chest and try to resuscitate him? Or, does he just want us to let him go peacefully?

There was a long pause before he replied, as he breathed heavily under the oxygen mask. “I want everything done,” he finally answered. “I want everything done, until I have done one thing. I want to get married.”

Get married? Did I hear him right? Is he of a sound mind or is he confused and hallucinating?

As he continued talking, I ascertained that he was very alert and not confused at all. I did not ask why he wanted to get married, but he explained to me the reason why. Perhaps he saw the quizzical look on my face.

“I just want to make things right,” was his reason. Apparently, he was living-in with his girlfriend for twelve long years. He wanted to make their union legal. This would make her girlfriend the legal decision-maker for him if he becomes incompetent. And she would also inherit his estate without questions, when he dies. But more so, he just wanted to show her how he loved her over the years, but did not quite made it to the altar. Now, he was “making things right.”

Two days later, there was a wedding ceremony in our ICU room. A bride, a groom, a chaplain, and a couple of witnesses. That was all you need for a wedding. Of course there was a gown too. No, not a wedding gown. A patient’s hospital gown. And it was the groom who wore it.

There was many well-wishers too, courtesy of the ICU staff.

The patient’s son was also present. I believe he was his son from a previous relationship, and he came from out-of-state to visit his very ill father. He was probably expecting to attend a funeral, but was surprised that he was attending a wedding instead.

A few days after the wedding, our patient’s condition improved that he was able to be transferred out of the ICU to the Oncology floor. Perhaps, getting married gave him hope and a different outlook in life, and willed himself to get better.

He was started on combined regimen of radiation therapy and chemotherapy. Hope springs eternal.

Two weeks later, his condition started to decline once more. He grew weaker and weaker. It became more and more difficult for him to breathe. This time, he told us, he does not want to be resuscitated if his heart stops or if he cannot breathe on his own. I guess, he already accomplished his one wish, and now he was ready.

Then one day, he quietly faded in the break of dawn. And he left a newly wed bride, a widow.

Cancer stumps hope. A so familiar scenario, sadly to say.

Yet love conquers all.

Magandang Panaginip

28 December 2010

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Ibinukas ko ang aking mga mata. Pamilyar ang lugar na aking kinalalagyan. Sa paglipas ng panahon ay nakabisado ko na ang bawat sulok ng silid na ito. Nag-aagaw na ang dilim at liwanag  sa aking kapaligiran. Panibagong umaga na naman. Ngunit sa likod ng aking isipan, ay may nagsasabing ang araw na ito ay natatangi at hindi pangkarinawan lamang.

Aking binalingan ang aking katabi sa higaan. Mahimbing pa ang kanyang pagtulog. Nababanaag ang kapayapaan sa kanyang mukha – isang kagandahan na aking masayang kinamumulatan sa bawat umagang dumarating. Siya ang pag-ibig ng aking buhay, kabiyak ng aking puso, at ina ng aking mga anak.

Mahirap paniwalaan na labing anim na taon na pala ang nakalilipas mula sa takdang araw na ito, nang kami ay pinag-isang dibdib. Marami na ring mga karanasan ang aming pinagsamahan. Mga masasayang yugto, at may ilang malulungkot. Mga kaginhawaan, at mayroon ding mga paghihirap. Mga matatamis, at may mga mapapait na yugto. Ang lahat ng ito ay lalo lang nagpalakas ng aming pagkabuklod.

Magkatabi kami sa pagtulog kahit sobrang maalinsangan ang gabi (sa Maynila at Florida) o maging saksakan man ng ginaw (gaya ngayon). Mula sa pagtulog sa matigas na lapag  (ng kami ay unang manirahan sa New Jersey ), hanggang sa malambot naming queen bed ngayon. Mula sa maliit na studio-type na apartment, kasama na ang panandaliang panahon na kami ay naging “homeless” (sa New York) at nakitira lamang sa mga kaibigan, hanggang sa aming matahimik na sariling tahanan (dito sa Iowa) ngayon.

mapayapang tahanan

Naranasan din naming matulog ng hindi magkasama, nang kami ay sandaling nagkahiwalay. Namagitan sa amin ang malawak na dagat ng Pacifico. Mga ilang buwan din akong naunang tumulak dito sa Amerika, bago nakasunod sa akin ang aking asawa. Malamig at malungkot ang mga gabi, at napakahaba at nakaiinip ang mga araw noong mga panahong kami ay magkalayo.

May mga ilang yugto rin na ako’y na-’outside ng kulambo’ at natulog sa sofa dahil sa mga tampuhan. Mga tampuhang pururot na madali naman naming nasasaayos. At kahit hindi ako inubos ng lamok, at kahit pa malaki at komportable ang aming sofa, ay hindi ko nais matulog pa uli doon.

Bahagi rin ng aming karanasan ang matulog na napapagitnaan ng isang sanggol, o kaya ay may katabing bata sa aming kama. Mga ilang taon din kaming natutulog na magkakasama sa isang kuwarto, kasama ang aming dalawang anak. Hanggang nasanay nang matulog ang aming mga supling sa kani-kanilang sariling silid ay doon lamang uli kami napag-isa at natulog na walang mga katabing alipores.

Kahit pa ako’y parang karburador sa paghihilik, o parang dalag na pumalag at sumisipa, o parang asong ulol na tulo laway kapag natutulog, ay mahal pa rin ako ng aking asawa at nais pa rin niya akong katabi sa gabi. Dahil mabait naman ako, kapag tulog. O marahil ay dahil mainit naman akong yumakap. Tunay naman talagang matatamis ang mga gabi, at kaayaaya ang mga umaga ng aming pagsasama.

bagong umagang tanaw mula sa aming bintana

Ako ay namalik-mata at naaalimpungatan lang yata. Kinurot-kurot ko ang aking sarili. Kung ang lahat ng mga karanasang ito ay panaginip lamang, sana ay huwag na akong magising.

Ako’y napabalikwas sa aking katabi. Mataimtim ko itong pinagmasdan at marahang yinakap. Buhay at tunay nga. Hindi ito panaginip lamang.

Labing anim na taon. At bumibilang………..

Hanggang sa ako’y mahimlay na sa aking huling hantungan, ay doon lamang ako mahihimbing na hindi sa iyong piling.