When Doctors Cry

It’s alright Melissa. You can dry your tears now. This is just part of the job we do. I know, textbooks and medical school did not prepare you for situation like this.

Melissa* is our young medical resident (doctor-in-training) who was on-call that night in the ICU. I received a call from her a little past midnight for an admission, who was doing poorly. So I had to go back to the hospital.

Our new patient was a 19 year-old kid. Yeah, I consider that age a kid. He was brought to the Emergency Room (ER) after he complained of unable to breathe, then collapsed, and became unresponsive.

When the ambulance arrived, he was not breathing and had no pulse. They did CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation) and worked on him for almost 30 minutes before a heart rhythm was re-established. Thirty minutes are an eternity to have no heart beat.

In the ER, he was treated for cardiorespiratory failure, thought to be from severe asthma attack. He was hooked to a ventilator and started on medications for asthma. He was subsequently admitted to our ICU.

After the patient was transferred to my care in the ICU, I thought that the story does not make sense, though asthma can be very severe at times. Plus, the heart shadow on the chest x-ray appeared to be huge in my opinion. So I asked my resident to get a CT scan to rule out a blood clot in the lungs or other pathology.

The result of the CT scan caught us by surprise. It showed a big tumor in the middle of the chest, compressing the heart and the main airways. No wonder, our patient cannot breathe. Furthermore, he had extensive “free air” in the abdomen, signifying that he had a ruptured bowel. What caused it? I could only speculate.

The situation had turned from serious to grim.

When I examined the patient, I noted that aside from being comatose, his pupils were fixed and dilated. He did not respond to any stimuli at all, but was having “seizure-like” movement. That was an ominous sign. It was indicative of irreversible severe brain injury, perhaps from the prolonged anoxia (lack of oxygen) to the brain. What else could go wrong?

I then went to the ICU waiting hall to meet my patient’s family. The room was dark, as the lights have been dimmed. In every corner of that hall, were relatives of other ICU patients, who were sleeping on the floor or make-shift beds. They have camped out in this room, some for a few days, others for weeks. I know each of them have a sad story to tell.

I found a quiet space in the waiting hall to meet with the family of my 19 year-old patient. There were two sisters, and the grandparents. We spoke softly, so not to disturb those who were sleeping. I informed them of the severity of the situation. I was frank and direct, telling them that I have no good news. It was all bad. The family was distraught. And understandably so.

When I asked them who would be making decisions in behalf of the patient, I heard more depressing news.

The family told me that it would be her mother who would make the final decisions. But she herself was sick.

The mother had been a patient in our hospital less than a year ago. She suffered a devastating stroke and was in our ICU for more than a month. She slowly improved, and after a couple of months in the hospital she eventually was discharged to a rehabilitation facility, where she stayed for several more months. Finally she was able to come home two months ago, only because his son took responsiblity of fully caring for her.

That son, was now in our ICU.

How about the patient’s father, I inquired. The grandfather glumly told me, that he died not too long ago from an accidental electrocution at work. Was this the saddest string of unfortunate stories or what?

After my talk with the family, one sister planned to get their ill mother at home, so she could see and say her goodbye to her son. And then they will decide whether to wait it out a little longer, or take him off life support.

I went back to the ICU’s workroom to write my note, and that’s when I saw my medical resident crying.

Perhaps she was emotional due to changing hormones, as she was pregnant. Or perhaps she was just exhausted, and it was already 3 o’clock in the morning. Or perhaps these medical sad stories was too much for her to handle.

I know, it was too much for me too. And twenty years of experience did not make it easier at all.

(*names have been changed)