Quirky Talk

Recently I read from a fellow Filipino blogger about how hard it is to learn Mandarin due to different intonations. She also mentioned that our own language has similar quirkiness. So I am re-posting a story I concocted 5 years ago. Besides, it is “Buwan ng Wika.”

**********

A foreigner arrived in the Philippines and was observing how the locals talk.

After she checked-in in her hotel room, she planned to go outside, so she headed to the elevator. While waiting, a mother and her toddler son were also waiting for the elevator.

The toddler tugged on his mother and said:

Child: Dede!

Mother: Dedede?

Child: Dede.

Then the mother handed his son the milk bottle.

When the elevator door opened the mother asked the lady inside the elevator:

Mother: Bababa ba?

Lady: Bababa.

So the mother and her child hopped inside the elevator. The foreigner hopped in too.

The mother marveled at the lady’s colorful manicured nails in the elevator and wondered if it’s real. The lady seemed to understand her inquisitive look, and said with a smile:

Lady: Kuko ko.

The mother smiled back and replied: Oh, oo.

After a couple of floors down, the elevator stopped and the doors opened. A man outside asked:

Man: Bababa ba?

Bababa.” The two ladies inside chimed.

What a fascinating language these locals speak, the foreigner thought to herself. How can they communicate with each other by just repeating one syllable?

As the elevator doors closed, the toddler tugged again on his mother and whispered:

Son: Pupupu po.

Mother: Pupupu?

Son: Pupu.

Soon a certain smell reeked inside the elevator, luckily it reached the ground floor and the passengers hurried to go out. As the elevator door opened the foreigner tried to break the ice with the locals. She said to them with an amusing grin:

Foreigner: Dadadada.

The locals looked at her baffled? Of course they did not understand her. They just shook their heads and under their breath they uttered: Gaga.

**********

(*image from the net)

Hugot Lines sa Doctor’s Office

Mahal kong mga readers, heto na naman po ang bagong installment ng mga hugot. Kung merong Hugot Cafe, welcome naman po kayo dito sa Hugot Clinic.

Duktor: (Habang iniineksyunan ng local anesthesia ang pasyente para sa simpleng operasyon) O Hija, konting kirot lang ang injection na’to, pero pampamanhid ito at walang ka nang mararamdaman pagkatapos.

Pasyente: Kahit wala ng anesthesia Doc. Sanay na akong masaktan. Manhid na manhid na nga ako.

**********

Duktor: (Habang tinatanggal ang bondage sa sugat ng pasyente) Magaling at tuyo na ang sugat mo dito sa iyong braso.

Pasyente: Pero ang sugat sa puso ko Doc, hindi pa rin gumagaling. May band-aid ba para dun?

**********

Pasyente: Doc, ang pait naman ng nireseta n’yong gamot.

Duktor: Ganyan talaga, ang mapapait na karanasan ang magpapalakas sa iyo.

**********

Pasyente: Doc, may gamot ba kayo sa constipation? Hindi ko kasi mailabas-labas ang mga sama ng loob ko.

Duktor: Namputcha, hindi laxative ang kailangan mo. Halika, daanin na lang natin sa maboteng usapan.

**********

Pasyente: Doc, ano po ba ang sanhi ng madaling mapagod?

Duktor: Baka may cardiomyopathy o kaya ay heart failure. Sige, i-check-up na kita.

Pasyente: Hindi po ako, ‘yung boyfriend ko. Sabi niya ayaw na niya, kasi raw pagod na ang puso niya.

**********

Pasyente: Doc, meron pa bang lunas ang kalagayan ko? Lagi na lang akong pinapaasa.

Duktor: Naku ‘Te, wala ng pag-asa. Walang gamot sa tanga.

**********

Pasyente: Doc, feeling ko ako si Invisible Man. Kasi andito lang naman ako, pero bakit hindi niya ako nakikita. Hindi pa rin ako pinapansin.

Duktor: Next patient please!

**********

Duktor: Bumibigat ka. Kailangan mong tumakbo at mag-exercise.

Pasyente: Pero Doc, sabi ng misis ko takbo na raw ako ng takbo.

Duktor: Engot ka pala eh, hindi exercise yung tumatakbo sa responsibilidad.

*********

Pasyente: Doc, hirap na hirap po akong gumising.

Duktor: Ah, baka may narcolepsy ka. Sige, resitahan kita ng stimulant.

Pasyente: Magigising po ba ako sa katotohanan sa gamot na yan Doc?

Duktor: Ah meron din gamot diyan…….tadyak!

**********

Duktor: (Habang pinapakinggan ang baga ng pasyente) O clear naman ang tunog ng mga baga mo.

Pasyente: Pero Doc, sumisikip ang dibdib ko at hirap pa rin akong huminga. Lalo na kapag naaalala ko ang kumag na iyon.

Duktor: Teka, hindi Pulmonologist ang kailangan mo kundi Psychotherapist.

**********

Pasyente: Doc, may gamot ba para magka-amnesia? Gusto ko lang kasing kalimutan na siya.

Duktor: Ah, may mabisa akong gamot diyan. Heto, inumin mo na ang tabletang ito.

Pasyente: (ininom ang gamot)

Duktor: O eto na ang iyong doctor’s bill.

Pasyente: Ano ho ito? At sino ho kayo?

**********

Duktor: (Matapos i-test and vision ng pasyente) Wala namang diperensiya ang mata mo Hijo. 20/20 nga ang vision mo.

Pasyente: Pero Doc, sabi ng mga kaibigan ko nabubulag daw ako.

Duktor: Ah, meron din kaming lunas diyan: kontra-gayuma. Pero meron ding mas mura…….batok!

**********

Duktor: Hindi mabuti kung lagi mo na lang pinipigilan. Kahit ano pa man ang sabihin ng iba, mas giginhawa ka kung iyo na itong bibitiwan at papakawalan.

Pasyente: Pero Doc, hindi ko po talaga kaya.

Duktor: Kabag ang tinutukoy ko. Dapat itong pakawalan at iutot.

**********

Pasyente: Doc, ayaw ko na pong maging sanitary napkin.

Duktor: Huh? Anong ibig mong sabihin?

Pasyente: Kasi ginagawa lang akong panakip butas.

Duktor: Kahit ganyan ang kalagayan mo, taas noo pa rin. Dahil pwede pa rin “with wings.”

**********

Hanggang sa susunod na Hugot sessions na lang muli. Making Hugot like a Boss.

(*images from the web, all other materials are original)

Bugnutin

Sabi ng aking misis ay nagiging masungit at bugnutin daw ako habang ako ay tumatanda. Siguro dahil na rin sa stress sa trabaho, lalo na at napaka-busy pa rin ng aming ICU at sunod-sunod ang aking duty, at marami pa rin kaming kaso ng COVID-19. O marahil talagang gusto ko lang maging “grumpy old man.”

Pero may nahukay ako sa aking baul na magpapatunay na hindi ako tumatandang masungit at bugnutin. Ang aking ebidensiya? Bata pa lang ako ay bugnutin at salubong na ang kilay ko!

Post Note: Kaaway ko siguro yung litratista.

(*photo circa 1970’s)

Hugot Lines sa Quarantine

Halos tatlong buwan na po ang quarantine sa Pilipinas. Nabubuwang na ba kayo? Sige ituloy-tuloy na natin ang magpakabuwang. Heto po ang mga hugot lines sa quarantine:

Ang tagal na nitong quarantine, sana matapos na. Para makalabas na ako at magkita na ulit tayo. Pero ang masakit kahit wala ng quarantine, hindi ka pa rin akin, at wala pa ring tayo.

**********

Dahil po sa COVID-19 ay panatilihin lang nating dumistansiya. Lalo na kung hindi naman ikaw ang kanyang mahal.

**********

Ang tagal ko rin naghintay ng ayuda at ng mga relief goods. Pero buti pa ang ayuda, dumating kahit na nade-delay. Ang hinihintay kong pag-ibig, wala pa rin. Hanggang sa dulo na lang ng walang hanggan ako maghihintay.

**********

Sabi nila para makaiwas sa pagkalat ng corona virus ay magsuot ng mask kapag lalabas. Pero naiinggit ako sa mask mo, laging nakalapat sa iyong mga pisngi at nakadampi sa iyong mga labi. Sana ako na lang ang iyong mask.

**********

Payo nila lagi raw maghugas ng kamay o kaya ay magpahid ng alkohol. Diyan magaling yung mahal ko. Siya na nga ang may ginawang mali, naghuhugas kamay pa rin. Lagi na lang nagmamalinis.

**********

Ang tagal nang walang pasok. Miss na miss ko na ang classroom. Sa classroom may batas. Bawal lumabas, oh, bawal lumabas. Pero pag nag-comply ka……….teka, teka, iba na yata ‘yon. Sorry po.

Take two:

Ang tagal nang walang pasok. Kailan kaya ulit magkakapasok? Pero hindi na bale, lagi ka namang pumapasok sa aking alaala. Ako kaya, pumapasok din ba sa iyong isipan?

**********

Wala naman akong ubo. Wala rin akong lagnat. Wala naman akong virus at hindi rin naman siguro ako mukhang virus. Pero bakit lagi ka na lang umiiwas? Dinadahilan mo na lang lagi ang quarantine.

**********

Buti pa ang mga komunidad naka-lock down. Bakit ‘yung mahal ko, kami na nga pero hindi ko pa rin siya ma-lock down? Labas pa rin ng labas at panay pa rin ang papansin niya sa iba.

Champagnebloggen: 2008 Damien Hugot Millésime

Tulad ng champagne na ito, “Daming Hugot” pa. Hanggang sa susunod na lang ulit at sana makalaya na tayo sa hugot…..este, sa quarantine.

(*photo from the net)

Coming to the Dark Side

Because of this COVID-19 pandemic, as a defense it is now advised that everybody wears a mask when going out. However, there is a shortage of masks available and other personal protective equiptment in many hospitals. Dark times indeed.

Thus, I’m wearing my own respirator mask to work.

“You are unwise to lower your defenses.” – Darth Vader

(*Warning: not a true protective mask. Rest assured for I am donning an officially prescribed PPE when dealing with patients.)

Seriously

From out of the blue, I received a greeting recently from a classmate in pre-med and in medical school whom I have not heard from for a long time. In fact I am receiving many thoughts and prayers from friends and family lately knowing that I am a frontliner in this war against COVID-19 especially in the ICU.

I wondered what prompted my classmate, but I was both surprised and touched that she remembered me and also my birthday. After hearing from her, I was reminded of our class party during our senior year in undergrad which was held in their upscale home in the Philippines.

In that party we had a game that was patterned to the old game show “Make Me Laugh.” The idea was that the “contestants” would try not to laugh as “comedians” do their best to make them laugh.

Being one of the jokesters during my college days, I was one of them who would attempt to make people laugh. There were 3 classmates of ours as “contestants,” and there were 3 of us “comedians.” If the first comedian was unable to make the contestant laugh, then the 2nd and the 3rd would give it a try. The contestant who would not crack a smile or laugh wins.

I was the first comedian.

I was a lanky kid in college, weighing 115 lbs in a 5’8” frame body. I look like Fido Dido. My gig was I borrowed an over-sized leather jacket (yes, there were leather jackets in Manila) from one of my burly classmates, and I filled the sleeves and the chest area with socks so I looked muscular. I also borrowed a heavy duty power twister bar from a classmate to show that I am trying to flex my arms. In other words, I am like the Filipino actor “Palito” impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger.

On the first contestant, after I came out of the room and started walking to the contestant, she already burst into laughter as well as the whole class. I did not have to do much. Needless to say the 2nd and the 3rd jokesters did not even need to come out.

On the second contestant, I saw that she was trying so hard to keep it composed when I came out. But when I walked towards her and came face to face with her, she was red and to the point of bursting. After I tried to flex my muscles by bending the power twister (in which I really struggled), she finally lost it and broke into a laugh. Again the 2nd and the 3rd comedians did not have to do a thing.

On the 3rd contestant, I could sense that I would have difficulty making her laugh. She had this calm demeanor that was unperturbed by my nonsensical act. And while the whole class was already rolling in their bellies laughing, she just looked at me with a half-a-smile like that of Mona Lisa. After a minute of trying, I failed to make her laugh. I was a failure!

By the way, the second and the third jokesters did not succeed as well.

At the conclusion of the game, some classmates got hold of me, dragged me, and dumped me in the swimming pool. I had my full street clothes and shoes on! I was just the first one that was thrown into the pool though as what followed next was a pandemonium with many of the class being shoved into the pool. And we were not even drunk as there was no alcoholic drinks involved.

It was not supposed to be a swimming party. Perhaps they blame it on me, for not able to make that particular classmate laugh, that ended up into a pool-dumping frenzy.

On the side note, I know many of my classmates live in exclusive gated communities and have their own swimming pools. However, I pride myself that we have a bigger pool at our house in Sampaloc Manila, that is the whole street turns into a large swimming pool after a heavy downpour.

I admit, I was goofy when I was young, and perhaps I am still today though I may have mellowed. Maybe I just don’t take myself seriously. However at that time I wonder, were they laughing with me or were they laughing at me? It’s just funny that the kid who they probably would not take seriously before is now seriously taking care of people who are ill and in serious condition.

Life has a weird sense of humor.

(*photo taken a few years back at Petra Jordan)

Hugot Lines sa Sari-Sari Store

Heto na naman po ako, huhugot na naman. May pinaghuhugutan ba kamo? Wala naman, nabubuwang lang. Pagpaumanhin na lang po sana ulit, kung sakaling hindi ninyo maibigan.

Dumako tayo sa paborito kong dating tambayan. Ang sari-sari store ni Aleng Luring.

Hugot #1

Suki: Tao po. Pabili nga po ng paminta.

Tindera: ‘Yung buo o durog?

Suki: ‘Yung durog po ate, kagaya ng damdamin kong durog.

Hugot #2

Suki: Ale, pabili nga po ng suka.

Tindera: Anong klaseng suka?

Suki: Gusto ‘yung mabagsik at matapang. ‘Yung hindi susuko. Hindi gaya ng aking puso.

Hugot #3

Suki: Tao po. Pabili nga po ng patis.

Tindera: Isang malaking bote ba?

Suki: Hindi po. Puwede bang pinakamaliit lang. ‘Yung para sa akin lang. Ang dami kasing gustong makisawsaw.

Hugot #4

Suki: Pabili nga po ng baterya.

Tindera: Eveready o Energizer – ‘yung keep on going and going?

Suki: Puwede po bang patay na baterya. ‘Yung hindi na tatakbo. Ayaw ko nang laging iniiwan.

Hugot #5

Suki: Ale, pabili po ng sabong panlaba.

Tindera: Anong brand ng sabon?

Suki: Kahit ano po, basta huwag lang Pride. Hindi kasi iyon natatanggal, kahit ilan beses pa banlawan.

Hugot #6

Suki: Tao po. Pagbilhan nyo nga po ako ng bawang. Dalawampung ulo po ng bawang.

Tindera: Aba, marami ka yatang igigisa.

Suki: Hindi ho. Panlaban ko lang ‘yan. Dahil sa akin na nga, pero marami pa rin umaaligid at gustong umaswang.

Hugot #7

Suki: Tao po. Pabili nga po ng Band-Aid.

Tindera: Ilang Band-Aid?

Suki: Isa lang po. Ako lang naman ang nasaktan at nasugatan.

Hugot #8

Suki: Pabili nga po ng bumbilya.

Tindera: Anong klase?

Suki: ‘Yung spotlight. Para mapansin at makita niyang nandito lang naman ako.

Hugot #9

Suki: Pabili nga po ng papel.

Tindera: Anong klaseng papel.

Suki: ‘Yung graphing paper po. Kasi puro lang drawing ang mga plano niya sa amin.

Hugot #10

Suki: Tao po. Pabili nga ng bubble gum.

Tindera: Anong klase?

Suki: ‘Yung tumatagal ang tamis at hindi sa umpisa lang.

Hugot #11

Suki: Pabili nga po ng Coke.

Tindera: Litro ba?

Suki: Hindi po. ‘Yung pang solo-size po. Ako lang naman laging mag-isa.

Hugot #12

Suki: Kuya, pabili nga ng kape.

Tindero: Anong klaseng kape?

Suki: Kapeng barako kuya. ‘Yung sumisipa, na kaya akong gisingin sa katotohanan.

Hugot #13

Suki: Ale, pwede pong mag-pa load ng cellphone?

Tindera: Sige. Smart ba?

Suki: Hindi po Smart. Ang tanga-tanga ko nga eh. Hindi natututo. Globe na lang po. Pinapaikot-ikot lang naman ako.

Hugot #14

Suki: Ate, pabili nga ng toothpaste?

Tindera: Anong klaseng toothpaste?

Suki: ‘Yung Hapee. Para pag-ngumiti ako mukha akong happy. Kahit hindi naman talaga.

Hugot #15

Suki: Pabili po. Meron ba kayong Hope?

Tindera: Meron. Ilang kaha gusto mo?

Suki: Kahit isang piraso lang.

Tindera: Sandali lang ah. (*naghanap sa eskaparate……)

Tindera: (*lumipas ang ilang minuto) Ay, wala na pala. Naubos na.

Suki: Bakit ganun? Lagi na lang paasa.

Hanggang dito na lang mga suki, magsasara na po ang tindahan. Bukas na lang po ulit. Bukas na lang din pwedeng umutang.

photo from the web

(*a couple of entries are borrowed, but most are original materials)

Hugot Lines sa Jeepney

Kung minsan ay may mandurukot sa loob ng jeepney. Mag-ingat po tayo sa kanila. Pero hindi po ‘yung mga nandudukot ang tema ko ngayon, kundi ‘yung mga humuhugot kahit na sa jeepney. Unawain na lang po natin sila.

Kung hindi ninyo maibigan, ay ipagpaumanhin na lang po sana. Wala na lang pong kokontra.

Hugot #1

Driver: Heto po ‘yung sukli nung isang Quiapo.

Pasahero: Hindi na bale mama, nasanay na po akong hindi nasusuklian.

Hugot #2

Driver: Pakiabot na nga lang po.

Pasahero: Matagal ko nang pinapaabot kuya, pero dedma pa rin. Wala pa rin marating.

Hugot #3

Driver: Saan po itong bente pesos?

Pasahero: Diyan po sa may PAG-ASA. Kahit wala naman talaga.

Hugot #4

Driver: Saan po papunta itong bente?

Pasahero: Isa pong pa Balik-Balik. Walang ngang kadala-dala eh. Hindi pa rin natututo.

Hugot #5

Pasahero: Manong, kulang po yung ibinigay ninyong sukli.

Driver: Kulang? Lagi na lang akong kulang! Kailan ba makokontento?

Hugot #6

Driver: Ilan po itong isang daan?

Pasahero: Isa na lang po. Dalawa po sana, pero iniwan na niya ako.

Hugot #7

Driver: Bawal po ang sabit.

Pasahero: Alam ko namang sabit lang ako eh. Hindi ko lang talagang kayang bumitaw.

Hugot #8

Driver: Saan po itong singkwenta?

Pasahero: Diyan po sa Monumento. Pero pwede rin sa Luneta. Lagi na lang kasi akong nagpapakabayani. Pwede na akong tayuan ng Monumento.

Hugot #9

Pasahero: Para na po mama.

Driver: Sandali lang po, itatabi ko lang kayo.

Pasahero: Ganyan naman talaga kuya, lagi na lang ako sa tabi.

Hugot #10

Driver: Paki-usog na lang po diyan sa kaliwa, kasya pa isa diyan.

Pasahero: Hindi bale na lang po. Kahit pagsisiksikan ko ang sarili ko, wala pa rin akong puwang sa kanya.

Hugot #11

Driver: (*nagtatawag ng pasahero habang nakaparada ang jeep) Antipolo, Antipolo, Taytay, Antipolo!

Pasahero: Kuya, male-leyt na ako. Pwedeng tayo na?

Driver: Tayo na, Miss? Sige, sabi mo eh.

Matapos ang ilang minuto lang……..

Pasahero: Para na. Dito na lang ako.

Driver: Hanggang dito na lang? Pero salamat pa rin, dahil kahit sandali ay naging tayo.

Hugot #12

Driver: (*sa pasaherong sumasakay) Konting bilis at kapit na lamang po. Lalarga na tayo.

Pasahero: Ang higpit na nga po ng kapit ko. Pero lagi pa rin akong laglag, kuya.

Hanggang dito na lang po, boundery na. Magkakarga lang po ng krudo….este, kape. Sige, laglagan na.

photo from here

(*blaming my jet-lag for this transient craziness)

Nakaw na Tingin

Kumakabog itong dibdib,

Pinagpapawisan ng malamig,

Direksiyon mo’y sinusulyapan,

Kahit pa nakaw na tingin lang.

Masaklap itong kalagayan,

Ako kaya’y mapagbigyan,

Sana ikaw ay mas malapit,

Nang ‘di na masyadong mahirapan.

Pasimple para ‘di mahuli,

Saloobi’y ‘di dapat ipakita,

Bakit kasi hindi nag-aral,

Ngayon sa test nangongopya.

**********

(*Sorry to disappoint you if you thought this poem is about love.)

(**Handog sa lahat ng mga estudyanteng natutuksong mangopya. Hoy, bawal ‘yan!)